The main detail of this assignment was to create a diary recording at least 2 weeks of information and then examine the recorded memories, facts and details and then create a set of images which were either based on the diary entries or were influenced by them.
Since I already keep a diary which details my pain levels, the management I am using to cope and information on my sleep patterns I am used to recording my day, and initially I thought that it would just be a small step to add in the extra data.
My diary was all over the place, during the time that I was recording what was happening and how I was feeling, I lost my job, my aged mother's mental health declined and I myself felt that I had hit rock bottom.
As with the previous assignment, I knew that I wanted to continue to examine the issues of my life long illness and its affect on my own personal life. Using this as a basis of an idea I started to do some extra research and at first I wanted to take images and text from my diary and place them together so that the context of the image could then by driven by the narrative of what I was feeling at the time. However I felt that the text was dragging the viewer in the wrong direction and not allowing them to examine the image and draw their own conclusions based on the visual stimulus and a minor amount of narrative to start the process.
The following images are from this first attempt, I was influenced by a set of images from Nancy Borowick whose book "The Family Imprint" was detailed on the Metro Website Metro.co.uk, M. L. (2017, July 6). Photographer captures the final years of her parents' lives. Retrieved July 17, 2017, from http://metro.co.uk/2017/07/06/photographer-nancy-borowick-captures-the-final-years-of-her-parents-lives-the-family-imprint-6759970/
However my own images could not capture the intimate and personal aspect; when I started to examine the first of the images I could see that the did not gel together and were lacking in the narrative structure.
The general fatigue if the condition means that I am bed bound a lot of the day, as I struggle to cope with both the pain and the tiredness which is hoisted upon me by the condition. Pain causes a lack of sleep, the lack of sleep causes fatigue, the fatigue causes pain. The cyclic nature of the condition driving me into ever decreasing circles.
Sometimes I am hit with the deepest depression; out of nowhere I will suddenly become morose and withdrawn. The tiredness and brain fog does not allow me to express myself clearly and I just stop interacting. I sit and wonder what happened.
Having to time-slice my energy causes my levels of energy to collapse, I cannot handle the loss of energy and I fall down or just lie down and wait for it to pass. I do not sleep, it is more a complete loss of consciousness. I do not dream and I awake not knowing if a minute, an hour or a day has passed.
Standing back a bit from this failure I decided to read up a bit and went through my library looking for influences.
I was heavily influenced by the book the Camera i (See Influences Page) and I decided to follow the idea of a sequence of self portraits.
I went with the process of black and white after reviewing a number of images by the portrait images done by Dora Marr https://www.artsy.net/artist/dora-maar and Robert Mapplethorpe, especially his self portrait from his collection "On the Edge"
Robert Mapplethorpe - Self Portrait
I really wanted to emulate something like this but not copy the idea, so it stuck with me through out the series of images.
Having to deal with the internal pressure and strife I set down and number of notes and ideas, one of which I was keen to use again; while at a pain counselling session the councillor recommend that if I was struggling then I needed to talk, if no one was available then I was to set up either an imaginary camera on a real one and talk to an illusionary interviewer and express my feelings, thoughts and emotions to the it.
Very much like the Robert Mapplethorpe image I wanted to reduce the amount of visual information down to a minimum, so |I also went with a dark background, I waited until the sun had passed and drew across dark curtains to simulate the dark background. I also used only one small flash which I configured as an off camera flash and it was either set on a stand to the left of the camera or was set on a table below and not far from the camera lens. Having set up the camera with an interval timer I stood and spoke, after a few minutes I relaxed into the session and allowed the camera to capture the images.
I did this over a number of sessions to try and get a variety of images.
Having captured the images, the first thing I wanted to do was convert them all to black and white as I wanted to focus solely on the expressions on my face, as I thought this way I could best drive away any distractions on the images and take out colours which may have pulled the eye away from where I wanted it to focus.
I also wanted to try out an idea by projecting words onto my face but this idea failed at the first step when the projections did not work to my satisfaction.
Words on Face
This just did not work, the projections were too tight and when they were pulled back, the overflow of light onto the background drew the eye away from the image totally.
Overall I was much happier with the "talking£ therapy images and chose a number which I felt carried the narrative.
Tired.
I started to speak about the lack of energy I had having to share the energy out amongst the many problems that I was having to handle. I just wanted to stop and have a proper nights sleep rather than the 20 to 50 minutes that I get just now.
I was truly tired of other peoples problems and having to jump to attention and deal with theirs with no emotional return from them. I wanted isolation and just for once to have someone come and help me.
Relaxing into it.
After a while I felt less self conscious about what I was doing and relaxed into it. I was able to start freely expressing myself in a location where no one but me had to listen and no one could take what I was saying and give or take offence.
I started to be happy with being able to turn the feelings into free words, expression flowed freely.
Lost in anger
At this point I was expressing my anger and frustration.
The frustration robbed me of words and I was lost in the moment , lost somewhere between depression and hopelessness
Happy
From the corner of the room in wandered the one constant around me, Louie the cat. Not only is he by my side most of the day but he is someone that I can speak to without being judged.
When I am tired and low, he keeps me company by either being beside me constantly purring or sitting on me watching to ensure that I am warm.
Forward
In the style of Alexander Rodchenko whose Soviet propoganda work I am deeply influenced by and a small tribute to Lemmy Kilminster
I can only go forward as there is nothing to go back to. I have been kicked out of my job, I have lost my main source of income and I may be unable to continue with my studies. I must remain on the path for if I fail I will be lost to the world for I will withdraw into myself and push everyone away. A danger that comes to everyone who is housebound and isolated from the community.
Return to Serenity
Having spoken my piece I feel lighter and freer, I may have lost a lot just now but I am back to where I was when I was kicked out of college and was unemployed.
It may be three steps backward and one step forward, but I have a purpose; I may have no job, no income, no support and no one to turn to but I have myself and I can be strong again, I can make this work, I can be me again, no some corporate pawn, a drone worker unhappy with my lot. The bridges are burnt and the fire will light my way.
Conclusion.
This was quite a difficult and personal project, having to deal with personal issues, using a diary to reflect on my moods and feelings and having to express myself through nothing more than a mime.
After a few false starts I think I managed to get into the assignment and produce a set of images that I am really happy with, they speak to me of my feelings at the time and looking at them again brings those expressions and feelings to mind.
No comments:
Post a Comment